Crosswords and Croissants

Crosswords and Croissants

               Conrad wanted to linger at Coffee House, finish his cross-word puzzle like most days.  Coffee House was warm and more interesting than puttering around his own home. There was a satisfaction about waking in the morning with purpose, taking his cane and New York Times and walking three blocks, fresh air and exercise, to a place where he could order black coffee and an oatmeal cookie. He’d nod hello to the barista’s and the college kids, who were usually slouched quietly on the couch or plugged into laptops.

             He liked the dark wood walls and his window table at Coffee house, liked the way morning sun lit the interior, illuminating tiny dust particles and the grain on the hardwood floor. Coffee House, with its ground-bean smell, the hiss of the steamer and soft chatter of customers had become part of Conrad’s routine since Helen died. He’d gotten to know some staff, including the manager, Belinda. Conrad   thought of Belinda as a friend, although he couldn’t tell you anything personal about her. But she didn’t know much personal about him either.  If business was slow, Belinda might sit with him. She had a quick mind for crosswords. If it were raining when he was leaving, she’d offer a lift in her Subaru.

            But today is Wednesday. The Knit Wits will run him out by 9:00. There are 12 of them, mostly big women with huge thighs, large coats and scarves, multiple purses and bags of yarn. They’ve been infiltrating on Wednesdays for the past few months with their shrill laughter and loud chit-chat about nothing, and their incessant knitting.  Click, click, click, yak, yak, yak about nothing that would improve your brain, or your knowledge of the world, like crosswords and civil conversation could offer.  The Knit Wits didn’t belong in an esteemed place like Coffee House. What was Belinda thinking, giving them a standing   reservation?

            “They mean well,” Belinda had said. “You’ll get used to them.  Besides, Conrad, Coffee House needs the money and those ladies go through a lot of chocolate chip croissants.”

            “It’s hard to concentrate with a pack of laughing hyenas.”

            “Be nice Conrad,” Belinda said. “They like you.”

            Conrad blushed, and stood to retrieve his overcoat and cane. But he was too late. They came trouping in like a gaggle of geese, honking and holding open the door so the cold swept in.  Conrad stood aside to let the clamoring goose train through.

            A red-head Knit Wit turned toward him and placed her knitted-gloved hand on the sleeve of his overcoat.

            “There you are!  We’d wondered where you’d gone.  Look Marcella, he’s alive after all.”

            “He sure is,” Marcella said. “And looking dapper.”  She was the only skinny one of the bunch, all skin and bones.  Marcella raised her painted eye-brows. “I’m gonna knit you something, honey.” Then Marcella took her thumb and forefinger and playfully pinched his cheek, jostling the skin back and forth. Conrad froze, glanced at the pinch then at the woman’s face, her cracked cherry red lipstick upturned in a smile, her too-rosy powder-caked cheeks beaming at him.

            “Don’t. Touch. Me,” Conrad hissed. 

            Marcella slowly brought her hand down.

            “Well, forgive me for being friendly,” she said. “Geez.”

             “Geez,” Conrad thought. “A slang word used by knit wits with no command of the English language?”

             The Knit Wits would have been around Helen’s age. But Helen was nothing like these gaudy women. She had been quiet and demure. She, like Conrad, would never have pinched a stranger on the face. They kept their hands to themselves.

            Life with Helen had been graceful and reserved, the way they liked it. They’d met at Auburn, married after he’d secured a job as an electric company engineer, and moved to Chattanooga, to the same 1920s cabana where Conrad still lives. While Conrad worked, Helen grew vegetables in the back yard, sketched drawings and painted portraits in the upstairs portico. They turned the room into her studio when they realized babies would not be forthcoming. They never discussed adoption or fertility testing.  

            They spent their money traveling to Africa and Australia, the Mediterranean and the British Isles. Helen’s favorite trips were simply to Florida. She loved to walk along the beach. They’d traveled and been healthy up until eight months ago. Conrad found her in the portico. She’d fallen forward onto a fresh painting on the aisle, smears of purple, blue and yellow on her face and housecoat, on the hardwood floor. He’d called 911 but it was too late.

            She’d left the world as quietly as she had lived. Now Conrad missed her terribly, but carried on.  He maintained the garden, watered the house plants.  Funeral attendees had mostly been couples they knew from the electric company, a few friends they played rook with once a month from the Episcopal Church they sometimes attended and the neighbors on either side of them, young people who had moved in years ago. Who had been Helen’s close friends?   She had sometimes gone to lunch or shopping with Diana, who owned the art shop. But had they been real friends?  Helen didn’t have a group of girlfriends. Their friends were mostly couples. Conrad had been her best friend and she his. They were all each other needed.

            They quietly read books and papers, planned trips and sipped elegant bottles of Pinot Noir with their dinners.  They laughed quietly at plays and shows on TV. They had their interior lives. There were never wild outbursts, fights or angry words between them.  Neither of them could imagine hurting the other, raising a voice much less a hand in anger. They could not imagine infringing too much on each other. Helen claimed the portico, Conrad the study. It was a good marriage.

            Delicate Helen would never have carried on with the crass Knit Wits, pinching strangers and vying for attention, laughing too loud. She would never have ordered a chocolate chip croissant!  Conrad wished she were here now, so he could tell her these events and see her smile. But she wasn’t here. Instead he was surrounded by Knit Wits.

            “Look honey.” The red-head tugged at his sleeve. “Marcella said she’d knit something for you.  I think he’s hard of hearing Marcella.  What’s your favorite color hon? Gray is distinguished. You’d look good in gray.”

            “It’s….I don’t have a favorite color.” Conrad, blushing, angled his way past the other ladies and out the door. All colors were equal in Conrad’s mind. Grey meant grey, nothing more.

            At home, Conrad clicked on the television to a Western, made a round through the channels then turned the thing off. He poked in the refrigerator for something to eat and settled on a boiled egg with salt. He wandered downstairs, and then inched up toward the portico. He hadn’t been here since Helen died.

            Paint splotched the floor. The aisle remained on its side like a dead body. Against the walls stood canvases of smiling children dancing together in a ring. He flipped through and found a self-portrait of Helen that gave him pause. He hadn’t   noticed in real life, or in her paintings, the sadness in her brown eyes. But here, in this canvas, Helen was on the verge of crying. He envisioned a second painting, her head in her hands with tears spilling through. She had captured in art the brink, the time right before the tears would have splashed down. Conrad traced her neck with his forefinger, outlined her shoulder.

            “What was it darling? Why do you look so sad? You should have told me Helen and we talk it out. Was I the cause?” Conrad suspected suddenly that he was. “Forgive me, Helen, whatever it was.”

            The next portrait was of Conrad. Helen had shown it to him before.  She had painted it from a picture they had taken at the church years ago. Conrad, tall and slim, in his suit and dark glasses, grey hair cut close to his scalp. He displayed a handsome face, sharp nose, a bit of an upturned smile.  The portrait was a straight-forward rendering of his physical self. He couldn’t’ detect an underlying emotion like in Helen’s portrait, which is what art should do, show you something underneath the obvious, something previously unseen. 

            He drug the portraits downstairs and leaned them against the kitchen cabinets, then sat at the Formica table where he and Helen had eaten all these years, and stared at the images. They made him incredibly sad.

            Something had been missing from this handsome couple’s life, the emotionless man and the sad woman.  The more he stared, the more Conrad understood. They had held back. They had love, but had been so careful with each other, so proper; they had missed the big emotions, the sheer out-and-out joy of living.  Conrad and Helen had lived life from a distance, examining feeling through art and structure. They had treated life like the African Safari, stood back and watched the wild world from a distance. Their travels had been the most exciting part of their lives, but the travels had been controlled, everything planned and paid for in advance. They had lived their lives that way too, like one big superficial cruise.

            Conrad settled into his robe and stumbled around the house the rest of the day, contemplating. How had he gotten so old? When had he begun to be annoyed with outbursts, become so picky? How had he let Helen down?  He was surely to blame for the sadness in her eyes, being her only friend.

             When he’d settled into bed and turned out the light, Conrad felt Helen’s presence. He was not a man who believed in ghosts, but a faint scent of her lotion, the Pinot Noir they drank, her sad eyes in the portrait, brought her to him. Not her image, but her soul.

            If I’d only noticed earlier darling, we could have talked about it, rather than turned out backs to each other in bed.  Were you lonely with me? I would have changed Helen, for you. I would have done anything for you. Forgive me Helen, if I let you down.”  

            Conrad arrived at Coffee House earlier than usual the next morning. Belinda was flipping the “closed” sign in the window to “open.”

            “Morning Conrad,” she said. “Hey I’m sorry you got trapped in the midst of the knitters yesterday.”

            “It’s all right.” He took off his overcoat and hooked his cane against the back of his chair. “Wait. I think I’ll change tables today if you don’t mind.”

            “Not at all,” Belinda said. “Hey while it’s quiet I want to talk to you. Be right back.”

            Belinda returned with his usual black coffee and oatmeal cookie.   She slid into the bench across from Conrad, wearing her black barista apron that said “Coffee House” in cursive white letters.

            “The knitters are making   you something. I couldn’t help over-hear.  I wanted to warn you.”

            “It’s all right,” Conrad said. “Belinda, am I boring?”

            “No. Not to me. Anyway, the knitters were discussing what color. They want to cheer you up. They thought you looked sad.”

            “My wife died. I have been sad.”

            “I know. But somehow you need to get back into life.”

            Conrad put his face in his hands and felt himself in the place Helen had been, the brink of tears.

            “Hey you okay Conrad?” Belinda walked to his side and patted his shoulder.  The pats felt good, warm.

            “Hey its okay, Conrad, If you want to cry.”

            Conrad looked at this friend. He would not cry, but knew now that he might. He had gotten to the brink, the place Helen had been. The place you realize with sadness there is something more.

            “Helen and I never cried. We never really laughed. We just, we watched everything. We were polite.”

            “Polite is good, Conrad. You’re a good man. You’re just going through something. Look all this is on the house today, all right? ”

             “No,” Conrad straightened.  “I have money. It’s all I’ve got now. I apologize for becoming overly emotional. It’s not like me. “

            “I know it’s not like you, but trust me you aren’t overly emotional.”

            The door chime dinged and at Knit Wit walked in, just one, all by herself. Marcella.

            “Hello,” she called, then saw Conrad and wheeled back toward the door.

            “What can I get you Marcella?  You’re not usually here without the group.”

            “Well,” Marcella clutched a plastic Hobby Lobby bag in her left hand, her knitted purse in the right. “We were afraid the gentleman,” she nods toward Conrad, “wouldn’t be here Wednesday since he seems to be avoiding us, so I am dropping this off for the group.  I didn’t know he’d be here today. We were planning for you to give it to him dear.”

            “Good luck you came in this morning Marcella. Have a seat.” Belinda indicated the bench across from Conrad.

            “Are you sure?” Marcella’s eyes dart toward Conrad.

            “I’d be pleased,” Conrad said. Marcella eased into the bench.

            “Belinda,” Conrad called. “Can you bring a chocolate chip croissant?”

            Belinda smiled at Conrad.

            “I’m trying to branch out,” Conrad said to Marcella. “Trying to find more joy in life. I’ve never had a chocolate chip croissant. I much prefer oatmeal, or a regular muffin.”

            “Oh you’re going to find joy in that croissant, then, if it’s your first one. You’ll be addicted.”

            “I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Conrad Smith, electrical engineer, retired. Live down the road by myself. Just lost my wife.”

            “Well Conrad Smith, it’s nice to formally meet you. The Knit Wits, who you seem not to like, are my friends. Isn’t that a funny name? We aren’t stupid. We knit.”

            “I know.”

            “The group voted I should knit your scarf. “

            Conrad un-wrapped the tissue paper that had been secured with scotch tape to reveal a cherry red scarf with black and red fringe on both ends.

            “We wanted something bright. Some of the girls said blue, because you seemed gloomy but they let me chose. I think red will draw you out.”

            Helen would never have bought him a red scarf, too much calling attention to one’s self. His last gift from Helen has been a fine Lacrosse writing pen, which he uses every day. Conrad wrapped the scarf around his neck and smiled at Marcella.

            “I like it,” Conrad said. “It matches your lipstick.”

             Marcella hooted.  A small, snort of a laugh escaped Conrad’s lips. It was a start.

            “Everything okay?” Belinda called from the kitchen.

            “Yes,” Conrad called back. “We’re going to need more Chocolate Chip Croissants."